I am not sure if any of my tumblr followers know (or care) why I am out of the academic world. Basically, I am stupid/bad at motivating myself/rather unaware of how loans work and how much I could potentially get. Therefore I was stranded in my second semester of Sophomore year without being able to pay for the large amount of debt I had amassed or get myself a new loan for that year. So now I am pretty far in the shit, financially, that is.
I am not really bothered by most of the hastles that I have to deal with. I mean it kind of sucks, but ultimately they are no big deal. What really bothers me is the fact that I can see my peers pulling ahead of me, and I can do nothing about it.
There is no way for me to measure up to what the rest of my friends are doing. My friend Terry (an idea of an idea), is doing all kinds of crazy shit, and I am stuck doing absolutely nothing.
I mean I am trying my best to keep my brain active. I am trying to read as much as I can while still thinking about any kind of artistic medium in an intellectual way, but there is no way to keep up. Even the things that I could do myself, like trying to write or read as much as possible, but I cannot teach myself how to do just that…teach.
I want to be a teacher, when I get out of this funk of mine. Even worse is that I want to be a high school English teacher. There is no way for me to be able to get that job without a teaching degree, let alone without any degree. What’s worse is that this is a simple wish. Not something that requires tons of extra schooling. Maybe an extra year, but nothing incredibly intensive.
While this is happening, my friends are just cruising by in their academic, or even their personal experiences. Not just keeping up with what my friends are doing academically, I am also seeing the Ultimate team I used to be one moving on without me. Growing as a team, as friends, but without me. Somewhere where I truly felt like I belonged, and even more oddly in a sport atmosphere. Something I have never been able to do before.
Separation. Debt. Intellectual Limbo. They are all taking a back seat. I just feel like I am being left behind, and there is nothing I can really do to catch up. What’s even worse, is that this is just the biggest first world problems piece of bullshit I have come up against. So yeah, I am getting fed adequately. I have a home to live in. I am entertained by so many different media. Yet, I still feel depressed, and it all comes back to something as stupid as envy that other people have something I want. I am so angry, but mainly at myself right now.
Who knows, man. Maybe I am just playing “rope-a-dope” with the world. Maybe I haven’t fallen off the horse. I am just planning that underdog fight with life. Now I just need to convince myself to actually do so.