Posts tagged journal

When Reality Sets In

I am not sure if any of my tumblr followers know (or care) why I am out of the academic world.  Basically, I am stupid/bad at motivating myself/rather unaware of how loans work and how much I could potentially get. Therefore I was stranded in my second semester of Sophomore year without being able to pay for the large amount of debt I had amassed or get myself a new loan for that year. So now I am pretty far in the shit, financially, that is.

            I am not really bothered by most of the hastles that I have to deal with. I mean it kind of sucks, but ultimately they are no big deal. What really bothers me is the fact that I can see my peers pulling ahead of me, and I can do nothing about it.

            There is no way for me to measure up to what the rest of my friends are doing. My friend Terry (an idea of an idea), is doing all kinds of crazy shit, and I am stuck doing absolutely nothing.

            I mean I am trying my best to keep my brain active. I am trying to read as much as I can while still thinking about any kind of artistic medium in an intellectual way, but there is no way to keep up. Even the things that I could do myself, like trying to write or read as much as possible, but I cannot teach myself how to do just that…teach.

            I want to be a teacher, when I get out of this funk of mine. Even worse is that I want to be a high school English teacher. There is no way for me to be able to get that job without a teaching degree, let alone without any degree. What’s worse is that this is a simple wish. Not something that requires tons of extra schooling. Maybe an extra year, but nothing incredibly intensive.

            While this is happening, my friends are just cruising by in their academic, or even their personal experiences. Not just keeping up with what my friends are doing academically, I am also seeing the Ultimate team I used to be one moving on without me. Growing as a team, as friends, but without me. Somewhere where I truly felt like I belonged, and even more oddly in a sport atmosphere. Something I have never been able to do before.

            Separation. Debt. Intellectual Limbo. They are all taking a back seat. I just feel like I am being left behind, and there is nothing I can really do to catch up. What’s even worse, is that this is just the biggest first world problems piece of bullshit I have come up against. So yeah, I am getting fed adequately. I have a home to live in. I am entertained by so many different media. Yet, I still feel depressed, and it all comes back to something as stupid as envy that other people have something I want. I am so angry, but mainly at myself right now. 

            Who knows, man. Maybe I am just playing “rope-a-dope” with the world. Maybe I haven’t fallen off the horse. I am just planning that underdog fight with life. Now I just need to convince myself to actually do so.

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I Am So Sad, So Very, Very Sad….truly

If you are not interested in hearing me bitch about my life stop reading now.  I am pretty sad, scared, angry, worried, filled with dread, etc. about the future.  Basically the pool I lifeguard at is going to be shut down for repairs for another week, therefore I will miss out on another paycheck that would have gone to Xavier University to pay off the conspicuous amount of debt that I owe them.  *Sigh*

What is really bad is that I need to be a little concerned but I don’t need to be totally freaked out about it.  The next date that I have to send Xavier a payment is April 20th, the minimum payment is $400 and I have about $350 in my account right now.  So why am I stressing so much? I could find fifty dollars pretty easily.

I don’t think it is just the monetary difference though.  Looking back on my past like four-five months my life has been peppered with some pretty cool happenings.  I’ve made some pretty awesome friends/strengthened old friendships/met my girlfriend and all kind of other stuff, but those don’t really make up for the fact that I basically caused my own trip out of Xavier due to finances, am stuck at home (and I love my family, but it isn’t where I belong right now), and at the current moment feel useless and like I am an unnecessary being.  I feel like right now I am just wasting space.

This is really shitty because generally I search for levity, optimism, happiness and I just can’t find it right now.  I can usually bounce back from just about anything.  I have prided myself on it that I could be super sad in the morning but see the bright side in the afternoon and feel like it is a distant memory in the evening.  This…This is different.  I feel like I am being crushed.  There is no rebound anymore.  I don’t know, maybe it is just today that I am feeling shitty and I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like I could take on the world, but right now that is just my hope.  And here’s to it.  Now I just need to decide whether happy or sad music would be most appropriate for the situation.

Peace, Love Happiness, and God’s Blessing, because I am not feeling it

Matt