If you are not interested in hearing me bitch about my life stop reading now. I am pretty sad, scared, angry, worried, filled with dread, etc. about the future. Basically the pool I lifeguard at is going to be shut down for repairs for another week, therefore I will miss out on another paycheck that would have gone to Xavier University to pay off the conspicuous amount of debt that I owe them. *Sigh*
What is really bad is that I need to be a little concerned but I don’t need to be totally freaked out about it. The next date that I have to send Xavier a payment is April 20th, the minimum payment is $400 and I have about $350 in my account right now. So why am I stressing so much? I could find fifty dollars pretty easily.
I don’t think it is just the monetary difference though. Looking back on my past like four-five months my life has been peppered with some pretty cool happenings. I’ve made some pretty awesome friends/strengthened old friendships/met my girlfriend and all kind of other stuff, but those don’t really make up for the fact that I basically caused my own trip out of Xavier due to finances, am stuck at home (and I love my family, but it isn’t where I belong right now), and at the current moment feel useless and like I am an unnecessary being. I feel like right now I am just wasting space.
This is really shitty because generally I search for levity, optimism, happiness and I just can’t find it right now. I can usually bounce back from just about anything. I have prided myself on it that I could be super sad in the morning but see the bright side in the afternoon and feel like it is a distant memory in the evening. This…This is different. I feel like I am being crushed. There is no rebound anymore. I don’t know, maybe it is just today that I am feeling shitty and I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like I could take on the world, but right now that is just my hope. And here’s to it. Now I just need to decide whether happy or sad music would be most appropriate for the situation.
Peace, Love Happiness, and God’s Blessing, because I am not feeling it
Matt
